Happy-ish Holidays from Bustleburg!

What are the holidays like in Bustleburg?

First, it works like Boxing Day of yore where “the help” has to work on Christmas and therefore celebrates on the 26th. So you see, about four-fifths of Bustleburg has to work on Christmas and takes off the next day. Though the elite seldom go around giving presents to the staff. On the other hand, the wealthy take off the whole month! And indeed, they are charitable in other ways…

The Simonescu family has the Toxaco Chemical Plant all aglow in a combination of blood red and poison green instead of just nuclear green like every other day. As a show of holiday cheer, the air gas mix is 5% less lethal.

Reverend Maple lists Christmas as a twofer day. For each dollar you tithe to his megachurch, you receive two points towards Heaven instead of one. The offer is only valid on donations of over a thousand, BUT donations over ten thousand receive three points per dollar. You can even buy points between Black Friday and New Year’s Eve for the dear departed, like your Aunt Tilly who never heard about piety points, and therefore needs oodles.

There are surprisingly few floods on Christmas day, but there is an Annual Christmas Sleet Storm in Burnsvale. Also, somehow there’s an annual power outage at Pious Rivalry Church World during Christmas services, so bring your big coat and mittens.

Power outages are actually quite common in Bustleburg during the holidays thanks to a combination of old fuse boxes and excessive Christmas displays. Naturally, the coal power plants increase capacity but often to little effect except more pollution.

There's another event that defies explanation: Reverend Maple’s holiday telecast is regularly hacked and replaced with footage of people celebrating Hanukkah and Diwali. The good reverend is certain Queen Zina has something to do with this, but she assures him she has no idea what he’s talking about.

There's more! The outgoing lanes of the bridge are closed for several days to give all the security workers time off. On the 26th, the mayor allows cross-country skiing on the grounds of his palace for a fee. For the new year, he often awards the city new surveillance cameras and pays his shock troops an extra farthing.

The reverend agrees to partially lift the bans on music (you can listen to holiday songs as long as they’re from before 1950 and you don’t dance to them) and sweets (Figgy pudding made with high fructose corn syrup and candy canes as long as they are wintergreen flavor. No peppermint.)

Of course, people give each other presents! Fire safety equipment is always popular. Microwave ovens are a splurge item. There are also handy gift cards available for the bridge toll and flood insurance!

And last, what about that rascally mafia don, Boss Vostic? He has a big party at the casino, and this year it’s 82% more illegal! Brownies! Wine! Four-year-olds allowed to play slots! Also, a free roll of quarters for everyone who adds “Throw a snowball at the Mayor” to their list of New Year’s resolutions.

Yes, even in dreary Bustleburg, Christmas is fun. Or fun-ish. And the entire city wishes you a happy holiday season filled with warmth, light and few, if any, power outages.