No Such Thing as a Fifty-Year-Old Boy

The Mayor’s Nephew has a birthday and gets a phone call…

Dramatis Personae

Mayor Bromley Kakisto – Mayor for Life (apparently) of Bustleburg

Zeppo Kakisto - The mayor’s great grand nephew you didn’t know existed until now.

Bromley: Hello, is this Zeppo Kakisto? This is your great mayor. I mean, this is your great-great really great uncle, the mayor. Remember me?

Zeppo: Of course.

Bromley: Right, I’m told you’re having a big birthday, and I’m here to tell you the new rules.

Zeppo: New rules?

Bromley: Yes, you need to start acting like an adult now that you’re fifty.

Zeppo: But I don’t want to.

Bromley: First rule. You must get out of bed before noon.

Zeppo: But Uncle Bromley, you almost never get out of bed.

Bromley: Ahem. Some of us have earned the right to work in our pajamas.

Zeppo: You live and work in the mayoral mansion. You have your staff carry your bed to your office each day. I’m not sure how you can tell me about the need to—

Bromley: Second rule. Stop dressing silly. Socks with ducklings on them? Shirts with polka dots? No, no, no. It’s time to be sensible.

Zeppo: But I like ducklings.

Bromley: No high calorie food. No staying up late to play video games or watch TV. And speaking of TV, no more cartoons.

Zeppo: (gasps) How? How can I live without cartoons? Surely there must be a loophole.

Bromley: Well, you can lightly chuckle at editorial cartoons in approved newspapers but no childish hilarity, young man. I mean…somewhat-older man.

Zeppo: No cartoons? This is agony.

Bromley: And finally, Zeppo, now that you’re fifty, it’s time to stop living with your family. Move out of the house and get a job, bub.

Zeppo: But Uncle Bromley, I’ve written three books. And I have a job. I’m a professor at Bustleburg Remedial A&M. It’s just that I don’t earn rent money even though I’m full-time. That’s why I live at home.

Bromley: You work? As a professor? But all I see you wear is shorts and t-shirts.

Zeppo: My department has gone from casual Friday to casual every day to help the faculty with clothing expenses.

Bromley: What is your department anyway?

Zeppo: Defensive Driving. I used to teach English, but you know, budget cuts. Though I still assign On The Road.

Bromley: A college professor? Well, Zeppo, my boy, I think your family wants you to get a real job. You might do better at the Cold Calling Center. Then you could get an apartment, meet someone nice, settle down, and wear long pants.

Zeppo: I know five former students who work there. They all share a studio apartment…

Bromley: You see. There you go.

Zeppo: …and they’re miserable. Perhaps, you can raise minimum wage in the city to where people can afford rent? Or fund the college so they don’t have to rob students and impoverish faculty?

Bromley: Well, let’s not ask for the moon. How about a compromise? We’ll sell advertising in all the textbooks and classrooms and give you a nickel a semester raise. Now what will you do in return?

Zeppo: I suppose I can work on the eating vegetables and going to bed on time.

Bromley: You see that you do, mister.

Zeppo: But I’m drawing the line at cartoons. Cartoons forever!