Bustleburg Menaces Memphis
We have a hidden camera in the Mayor’s Oblong Office. Thus, we’re spying on his meeting with a delegation recently returned from Memphis, Tennessee.
Dramatis Personae:
Mayor Bromley Kakisto
Don Yonkers
Nina Vostic
Peter Something (Not sure of his last name.)
Mayor: Hmm. I’ve forgotten why I sent you all to Memphis. I suppose that’s okay since I’m ninety-five now.
Don: Ninety-seven.
Mayor: That’s right. And who are you again?
Don: Don Yonkers, Rogue Sociologist. You sent me since we’re hemorrhaging residents, and so many of them are moving to Memphis. Our goal is to stop that.
Mayor: Oh, that’s right. You’re Reverend Maple’s friend. And who are you two?
Nina: Nina Vostic. I’m a high school student and a niece of Boris Vostic. You know him as “Boss Vostic,” I bet. You sent me to, mmm, acquire items for you.
Peter: I’m Boris’ boyfriend, and I was Nina’s chaperone. I made sure she didn’t steal any paintings, dinosaur bones, or gold records.
Mayor: You didn’t bring anything back? But I’m so bored of being bribed with cash.
Peter: I bought you some barbecue sau—
Nina: We bring you information.
Don: Yes. What with all the polling stations burning down and the funding for the fire department mysteriously disappearing, you need a distraction, Mr. Mayor.
Mayor: Go on.
Don: So, instead of choosing religious minorities or immigrants to ally the citizens of Bustleburg against, we will unite against Memphis. Not only will people stop moving there, we’ll have the common enemy we need. Down with Memphis!
Peter: This is insane. Memphis did noth—
Don: They stole from us. Bustleburg is famous for the blues, and Memphis claims it’s their thing!
Nina: Though apparently in Memphis, “the blues” is a style of music instead of catatonic despair.
Don: I learned all about blues music on Beale Street.
Don: We can use their famous A-A-B rhyme scheme against them. For example:
“That terrible town of Memphis is the reason you’re feeling low.
I said that terrible town of Memphis is the reason you’re feeling low.
So that terrible town of Memphis certainly has to go.”
Peter: But Memphis isn’t terrible at all.
Don: The first law of rogue sociology is if you say it enough times, it becomes true.
Mayor: It does sound true. I’ve heard Memphis is a terrible town several times now.
Don: And it’s catchy. We’ll ask Reverend Maple for a music exemption so the radio stations can play it.
Peter: But Memphis is lovely. They have the National Museum of Civil Rights.
Mayor: Civil what?
Peter: It tells about the history of inequality in this country, shedding light on the horrible treatment of African-Americans that goes back centuries.
Mayor: Hmm, that sounds educational. Bustleburg can’t learn about it. They’ll start objecting to our caste system.
Don: Speaking of education, I found the Pink Palace Museum to be highly informative. Look at this dilophosaurus…
Don: See? It’s wearing a construction hat.
Peter: I think that’s a crest on its head.
Don: No, I’m sure it was a construction worker laboring for humans. Probably building the pyramids or a parking garage or something. Reverend Maple was right! Man conquered dinosaurs. Just look at this visual proof…
Peter: That’s a comic book. There was a sign you didn’t read.
Don: And they have unspeakable magic in Memphis. Reverend Maple should use his powers to hit them with tornadoes. Look, they have fire-breathing dragons at the zoo.
Peter: You didn’t read the sign again.
Nina: Those are Komodo dragons…
Nina: The zoo was eye-opening. Very few escaped animals, if any. None of the zoologists were fleeing for their lives. Never seen anything like it.
Mayor: I’m disappointed you didn’t steal me a nice antelope or something.
Don: Oh, but your Mayorness, look at what else they have at the Memphis Zoo.
Mayor: Crested screamers?
Don: They gave me an idea. I’ve decided it’s common knowledge that all they do in Memphis is scream and complain. We’ll bribe the dictionary to change the spelling to Mem-Fuss to underscore the point.
Peter: You can’t bribe the dictionary.
Nina: He’s right. I’ve tried.
Don: And we’ll call the people of Memphis, Memfussers.
Peter: Why?
Don: To boost our new campaigns! “You’re Better Off In Bustleburg!” and “Bustleburg: At least It’s Not Memphis!”
Nina: You know, I already miss the food in Memphis.
Peter: And the Brooks Museum of Art was beautiful.
Nina: I would have gotten you that George Inness painting you liked…
Nina: But nooo, you and all your rule-following. At least, we attended an amazing convention…
Nina: And I got books from a lot of great authors, like Timothy Zahn, Jacqui Castle, Rachael Sparks, Dave Schroeder, Terry Maggert, and others.
Don: See? More magic and fantasy. Young lady, Reverend Maple is going to confiscate those books and burn them.
Nina: Wait, what? No way.
Don: Yes, way. Bustleburg doesn’t allow for all that nonsense.
Nina: Then I’m quitting the life of crime, applying to that awesome Rhodes College they have in Memphis…
Nina:…and moving away from Bustleburg forever.
Don: What? No!
Mayor: Yonkers! Your plan isn’t working at all!
Peter: Wonderful, Nina. I’m glad to see you’re turning over a new leaf.
Nina: Thanks for being my chaperone, Uncle Peter. And thanks for the trip, Mr. Mayor. Memphis is way better than Bustleburg.